Should we choose the college course of our children?
By Mia Mapa Tiongson
As parents, we are always concerned about the welfare of our children. Since birth, we have cared for them and have nothing but the best intentions for them. It is also in the prayers of every parent that their children will have a good future.
Sometime ago, my daughter was in a dilemma as to what she will be taking in college. Just when I was about to talk to my daughter to persuade her to take courses that I think are great and starting to have the ‘mothers know best’ instincts, I resisted.
While my daughter is still too young for her to be totally independent, she was already of old enough to make decisions that will affect her future. With much difficulty, I am realizing that my participation in my daughter’s life decreases as she begins to spread her wings and experience the real world. My husband and I decided to slowly give her some limited independence and to start shifting to advising her, as against telling her.
Truth to be told, I still wanted to greatly influence her with her decision on her college course. We are now just talking about a dress to be worn here or a hair style but a decision that will have a tremendous impact on her life. In my mind, I felt that I have more experience with the real world for me to make a better decision as to what course would be better for her. It felt that deciding for her was the more logical thing to do. Or is it?
As a parent, I realize that our parenting style changes as our children grow. Our children’s dependence on us diminishes as they get older so we must cede our ‘control’ on them gradually but timely. My daughter is not a child anymore and while I appreciate the fact that she always asks for my opinion, I am now confident that she can make decisions on her own and I can only offer advice. There is a big danger that my daughter will not like the course I will prefer and that will mean a resentment which will most likely affect her performance in school. Further, my life experiences differ from hers and my circumstances and environment are totally different as compared to hers. Can we safely say that we are in a better position to make that decision for our children? What if we are wrong?
As parents, we need to take credit for what we have done for our children. We have done our part in rearing them and supporting them so we must have faith that we have done our part well enough to raise them as responsible children who can distinguish right from wrong, and can decide their own fate. I know that ceding control is never easy but that’s just the way it is. Let us trust our children and offer a prayer for them. We have done our part, it is time for them to do theirs.
By the way, my daughter is already a freshman at De La Salle–CSB and she absolutely loves the course she decided to take up… a decision she made all by herself.
“…children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children. (Proverbs 17:6)”
Mia Mapa Tiongson is a mother to four children ages 17, 15, 7 and 4. She is Financial Planner and also the co-owner of Quick Plate, a food catering business. Although she has business ventures, she is first and foremost a supportive wife and mother above everything else.
No. 1 — June 29th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I think one of the best principles that parents can impart to children is individual choice and liberty without harming others. Consequently, if parents will always decide for their children, it will not teach them to become independent. It’s better for children to make mistakes and learn than to succeed but at the expense of their Liberty.
No. 2 — June 29th, 2009 at 11:27 am
excellent article mia. we train them up in the way they should go and hopefully when their old, they are guided by the principles we deposited in there thru the years. that’s when the rubber meets the road.
No. 3 — June 29th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Kudos to you! I am a University Professor and I have had many students in the University whose parent have chosen and forced their children to take a course that they selected. It does not work out well. The students feel trapped and forced by their parents and feel that they have to live up to the expectations of their parents rather than learning to become more independent and learning for their own benefit and for their own life.
When I was a principal once in a school and one mother said to me, “I am the one paying for college which gives me the right to choose what my son will take”. I felt sorry for her son. Guidance counselors try to match intelligence, personality, attitudes and preferences to a right course in college. They use standardized tests to help in the decision making. This sometimes goes awry with parents who “think” they know their children best. The truth is parents see one side of the child, and sometimes, if the child has some problems, the school sees another side and the two may not be the same. I remember a student who once said that she loves to go to school because she hates who she has to be when she is home…In school she is who she wants to be.
I also congratulate you in wanting your child to be independent. I am always amazed when the freshmen in college start to enroll in my university. More than half are accompanied by their parents who want to do everything for their child…some parents even want to take the tests, join in the orientation and introduce themselves and some parents even wanted to have their Picture taken for the ID and not their child. I believe that these behaviors do not create an independent child but instead gives the impression to the child that they are still dependent on their parents. In psychology, parental behaviors such as these tell the child that they are not strong enough, independent enough, and/or smart enough to accomplish these tasks on their own. This leaves a mark on the child who begins to doubt their own capabilities.
Based on Diana Baumrind’s parenting styles and the different research done on this theory, parents who are overly responsive to their children yet do not give enough discipline nor demand certain standards of behavior from their children are permissive parents, while parents who are overly demanding and overly strict and low in their responsiveness to their children are authoritarian parents. The best type of parent is one who loves and responds to their children a lot and yet demands and discipline their children equally. Parents who are both high on responsiveness and demandingness develop children who are responsible and independent, capable of accomplishing things on their own and able to adjust to the demands of life.
When a parent chooses for their children the course they are to take in college either out of love or out of a desire to control their children, this is not good. The children develop resentment and anger within.
My sister who turned 50 came home from abroad just to tell my mother that she resented her for forcing her to take a course she did not want in college. Of course this is an extreme case but many of my students who were forced to take up nursing during the nursing boom had equal amounts of resentment and anger towards their parents.
So kudos to you and your husband for allowing your child to choose her own course. Just like when a child takes his/her first step, the parents have to allow the child to do it on their own and just be ready if they fall, parents should give enough room for their children to make their first steps in choosing their career and life, and just be around just in case they are needed. If parents do not let go and allow for these steps to be taken, then the child may not learn the reall meaning of independence.
No. 4 — June 29th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Yes I would agree but parents sometimes will have to limit their children’s choices. The main concern is the cost of education. Parents will have to think how profitable their child’s education will be. What may increase students access is more provisions for scholarships. This is true for the sciences, where DOST has a lot to offer.
No. 5 — June 30th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Mia..deciding on what course to take up will be up to our children. But we should always be there to guide them but the bottomline will still be up to them. All they have to do is do their share…study hard and pass their subjects. It is no joke to send kids to college now a days and they should relaize that. I guess this is one thing us parents can pass on to our children…even better than inheritance. I’ve always told my two daughter’s to study hard and do their best. Fortunately, they blindly followed and valued their parents’ hardships and sacrifices just to be able to give them the best education we could almost impoosibly give and thank God, our children valued that very much. Nothing can beat a good education tandemed with our guidance.
No. 6 — July 7th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
i applaud you for letting your daughter make her own decision.
i would have made a good lawyer but my dad made the decisions for me and now
here i am in twilight zone, a place that is neither here nor there career satisfaction wise.
You made the right choice by letting her choose for herself.
No. 7 — July 15th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Nice article!
My daughter is just nine but i know
someday i will have to face the same
things the author spoke about.
Everything changes. My daughter will change
and so will we as her parents. She is still
my darling baby right now but in time she
will be a full grown woman. My role as
a parent will also change from one who provides
for her and nurture her to one who will be
a bosom friend travelling along with her on
this journey.
I know that
ultimately, everything will be her choice.
I can only be by her side supporting and
understanding and accepting whatever decision
she will make in life. Hard as it may be, I
know that there will be no other way. And just
hope that her decisions will be made with clarity
and wisdom that she has learned along the way.
But surely, my love will be with her every step of the way.
No. 8 — July 16th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Hi Mam!
Very nice article! I will share this to my colleagues